Everything
What the fuck?! Why?! I swear to god, you’re doing it just for fun. I have been in agony the past two weeks. I have wanted for nothing more than to not feel anything, because the pain of living without you has been too unbearable. I thought I was strong. I thought I could be the suit of armor who is there to protect the ones I love. I could care less about how I felt, I just wanted to prevent the ones I cared about from hurting. But then you left me, and I felt like the suit of armor I had always made myself out to be had exploded from the inside. I was thrown into this cyclone of emotional pain that I had no idea what to do. I felt lost. I felt empty. I couldn’t handle it. It only got worse as time passed. I started questioning almost everything I had previously believed. I wasn’t angry, I just couldn’t understand how it could possibly hurt this much. Not only that, but I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. I was completely alone. No one could understand how I felt. No one knows how perfect you are, and how deeply I felt about you. No one. How could they understand my pain? They couldn’t. It created a vicious cycle that just made all my hurt worse and worse. The one thing I wanted to do with my existence, protect the ones I love, I couldn’t do. How could I protect them if I couldn’t even protect myself? Not only that, but I had pushed them away because I felt like I was failing them, by hurting them more. I felt like such a monster. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I became desperate. I went to your house to try and talk to you. I feel like if we could sit down and talk without other people inhibiting our conversation, I could make you realize that things can be better. We could be better. But instead of pushing in the right direction, I felt like I killed all chances I had at fixing us. You were scared. Of me. Once again I had failed someone I love. I was scaring you! How much of a horrible monster must I be, to scare you, the one person I cared about most in this world? I was ready to fall down and give up. I wanted to die. I couldn’t care less of the consequences. I couldn’t live in a world where you were scared of me. I even began to question whether you ever cared for me at all. I mean, you knew what immense pain I was in. I know I could NEVER do that to you, so how could you just idly sit by as I fell apart from the inside out. But still, even when everything else had crumbled. When I felt like everything about me had burned until I no longer felt anything, and was just numb, one thing remained. I am Devin Manning. I always told you somthing in particular when we got into little tizzy fits before. Never give up. I talked to Logan, someone who could somewhat relate to me about this. He said the same thing. I didn’t know how everything would end up. I didn’t know if things could ever work out. But I decided that whatever happens, I’d rather I could look back on it and think to myself, I never gave up. So I kept talking to you. Trying to get a response. Still, I felt empty inside. The only thing I had was the drive to never give in, and the burning passion to have you safe in my arms again. But now, you’ve shit me out again, just after letting me back in… And I don’t know if I can’t handle it… I’ve cried so much lately I’ve got sores on my eyes from rubbing them so much. It hurts to.cry. but I do anyways. I want you back, Erica. I need you back. I can fix everything. I know I can. Don’t be afraid of getting hurt. I know the pain of losing you, and I would never wish the similar feeling on anyone or anything. Just… Let me talk to you. In person. I can fix this. I promise… I promise… Please.. I love you.
I hate myself.
How shitty of a person have I got to be? The one person I cherish more than anything else in the world, is scared of me. I was always supposed to be there to protect her and she was fucking scared of me. I don’t think I’ve ever been more digusted with myself in my entire life. I’m a fucking monster. I should just be put out of my misery now. I pray, every time I’m doing something, that by some crazy act of God, I die in a horrible accident. Maybe then she could sleep peacefully tonight. Fuck my life.
I carry this burden, regardless that the weight is near unbearable. (Taken with instagram)
